I suppose there’s a reason they call them “hysterectomies”. After all…it’s the same root word as hysteria. Which is where my mind went when contemplating my own hysterectomy.

Had to do it, though–the anemia and pernicious anemia I was battling were killing me. It literally saved my life to stop losing all that monthly bleeding.

The day they took my baby oven, though, I lost a huge part of my sense of being–of what I was called to do in this life. Granted the doc said I had “beautiful ovaries” (like I could see them), so I figured maybe someday i could help someone barren by sharing  my own ovae. But I’d NEVER bear another child. It was horrendous to think on.

In the following three years I lost a lot:

  • A 23 year marriage
  • The home the kids and I had shared with him for 15+ years
  • “Back Up” where the household/children were concerned
  • 2 jobs
  • A boyfriend I loved deeply, totally and completely–one I’d walk through fire for.
  • My daughters–they stepped into adulthood (even though they sleep here, their lives keep them busy)
  • My sense of being a successful person
  • Everything material-wise I’d gained over the past 24 years
  • The belief parents/relatives will always be young and healthy
  • My fainting goats (ok that’s weird to most of you but…Bowser, Princess Paisley and Boomhauer were my babies)
  • My I.D. as part of a “couple”
  • My rental home
  • A steady income
Mind you I am not complaining…just jotting down what has happened and trying to make sense of it all.
It’s like I’m a ship adrift on the ocean; I’ve lost my identity and everything else. I don’t know HOW to be “Single Beth”–after 30 years total with a significant other, how does one find that identity? Prayer’s great but at times the wait is too long to offer comfort when I’m in a dark place.  (Although I know “His ways are higher than our ways, and his plans are perfect.”)
Some of those were simply mental losses. Others shook me to the core and are still in my mind.
Daddy gave me wisdom once when I said “I feel like running away.”
His answer? “You’d just be trading one set of problems for another one.”
Now that I’m out of that marriage, I can see what he meant. Parenting is hard. It’s even harder alone.  And though I’ve never missed the ex, there are times when i wish he could just “pop in” and provide constructive assistance w/ the girls.
I know this is a season. I know our situation is stressful. I know GOD holds us close. I just long for that peace in the valley that waits for me.
Advertisements